QUIZ: WHAT TYPE OF SEX OFFENDER ARE YOU?

Have you ever been walking along, mentally undressing a fine fine honey, licked your lips and wondered: What type of sex offender might I be if I were one? Am I one? Or am I just an ordinary pervert? OH MY GOD HAVE I SEX OFFENDED SOMEONE IN MY LIFE SOMEHOW? What about that time I winked at a hot muscle-bear as he boarded my subway train? Was he sex offended? What about wearing a shirt that’s too low-cut-am I flashing someone? What about that time I stripped off my clothes,  laid down on the side-walk spread-eagled and sang songs to the sperm clouds until the sun came up? Did anyone feel uncomfortable when that happened?

To clarify, a sex offender is someone who does something for sexual gratification  that will get them beaten up, thrown in jail, shivved, shunned, shamed, swirlied or beaten up in jail while the prison wardens laugh and high-five each other.  They are different from the ordinary pervert who engages in the same activities but with willing participants. (fortunately,in the Bay Area  you can find a theme party for anything that gets your jock off including:
burning man, cane-ing, canning, canoeing, hedge funds, larping, chinese checkers, moms tupperware parties, and deep dreadlock penetration. )

And remember! Not  every sex offender is flashing themselves or offering free mustache rides at the roller rink. Those are very common, but some sex offenders have a more nuanced and dare I say? —poetic approach— that begs further investigation. Investigation which we will undergo as soon as this quiz starts. Which is now.

WHAT TYPE OF SEX OFFENDER ARE YOU?
Question 1: Fill in the blanks. “If you step on a crack, you break your mothers…”

1: Bank account
2: Heart
3: Foot
4: Vagina
5: Sidewalk

Question 2: If you were granted one magic super power for the rest of your life, what would it be?

1: Mind rays
2: Sting rays as friends and protectors.
3: Bug spray shooting from my dick
4: The ability to leap into the sky and briefly assume the shape of abraham lincoln.
5: A giant nuclear cock

Question 3: You are on a nice sunny country drive when suddenly you run over a cute bunny rabbit. What is your reaction?

1: Call your mother and hang up several times.
2: Ask it out for a drink.
3: Take the dead bunny to the casino and lay it down on the blackjack table-rabbits are good luck!
4: Take out that last pack of hotdogs you were saving and have one or two. why not?
5: Put your car keys up your butt, crawl into your trunk, cry, and masturbate.

Question 4: What phrase would you use to define your personal style?

1: Jungle Safari
2: Cutie Pie
3: Dr. No Pants
4: Spermy
5: Armani’s Trenchcoat Mafia Collection

Question 5: If you could go back in time and ask your 3rd grade teacher what he/she thought you would be when you grew up, they would say:

1: Sex Offender.
2: Hot dog Vendor
3: Mortgage Lender
4: Queen of  the Kitties
5: Dead

SIDE NOTE: For those of you wondering if you can protect yourselves against sex offenders, you really can’t, lol!!!  They walk and breathe amongst us, and it’s no good to live  your life in fear. But as a general precaution, there are some things you might want to consider locking up in your hope chest when company arrives:

Sexy shoes
Bible
Photos of your mother
hot dogs.

RESULTS:

Mostly 1’s: TRENCHCOAT WEENUS.

You lurk at bus stops in your trenchcoat with your arms in bandages, seeking out your victim.  Then you approach random strangers and ask them to reach into your pockets to get your bus ticket.

Of course they help you because you’re so pathetic! So wounded!

But what they find when they reach inside your pockets is……..

A COLD OILY HOT DOG.

Ecstasy ripples through your body like a harlequin thriller. You feel lifes manhood throbbing within you, causing spasms of pleasure to explode within every inch of your being. The person then beats the shit out of you and you like it. You go home and clean yourself up, grab some new hot-dogs from uncle  Farley’s sperm-vault and head out to the next bus stop.

Mostly 2’s: HO BRO
It’s true. God hates fags; but mostly because they are the ones having the most fun, and god is the 8th grade hall monitor of fun.  Especially the god who hate fags. And that That is why you keep your “fun”  lacy rainbow glitter panties hidden under your giant football jersey while watching the BIG GAME with your broheims.

 

Imagine, having all your homies over for a big sausage fest. Beer, balls, and rowdy talk!

You always make sure the bowl of cheese dip is in your lap. It’s so warm, and when your bros dip their taquitos in, and speak homoerotically of the big game! You can feel what it must be like to have a fat cock pulsating with desire in your anus. When you cry out in ecstasy, your bros just think you’re excited about that awesome  play. but only you know the truth!!
Mostly 3’s: THE ARTISTE
How long have you been schlepping around those photos you took of dildos with syringes in them? Has any gallery recognized how deep you are yet? Or do you just get an erotic charge from the looks on peoples faces when they see them? Do you masturbate to your own blogs, read them out loud, reliving your brilliance over and over again, and then send the screenshots of your orgasm faces to your ex-boyfriends to show them how happy you are now?  Nobody has discovered you yet. But they will. You are deeper than us all.

Mostly 4’s: the DOO-GOODER.
On the surface you seem like the girl next door. Bouncy hair, freckles, and an eagerness to help the neighbors carry in their groceries. You believe in recycling and always tell the cashier if they’ve overcharged you.

 

But under that relentlessly cheerful do-gooding persona is a seething sex offender. This is because you leave upper-deckers in the homes of people you visit. Especially bathrooms that are neat and tidy. Something about the notion of slowly permeating someones perfect bathroom with your smell really gets you off–at first the victim will clean and clean and clean their bathroom, puzzled why it still smells like doodoos after several washings. Then,  after going through dozens of  bottles of eco-friendly cleaners, they get out THE BLEACH!  THEY WILL GO MAD! then….weeping silently in the bleach fumes, they’ll give up and hire a “professional deep-cleaning” service (actually you in disguise!! )  to help out. You can barely contain your ecstasy as you lift the lid to the toilet tank and see your very own  moldy turd floating there in the water. “ “Hellooooo little buddy!” you say as you pull down your dickies and  reach for the shower nozzle. (NOTE: If you invite a compulsive do-gooder to the house, make sure you lock your toilet tank up.)

 

MOSTLY 5’s: PUBERT
You haunt bookstores daily, with a tragic sackful of your own pubes in your messenger bag. You pretend at first to be perusing the periodicals. Then you rush to the fiction section and locate Finnegans Wake by James Joyce. You open up to page 87 where James Joyce says““bababadalgharaghtakamminarronnkonnbronntonnerronntuonnthunntrovarrhounawnskawntoohoohoordenenthur-nuk!” And leave your pube. You slam the book shut, then rush home to rub one out, thinking of who might find it. Maybe an english-lit student in a sweater vest? Maybe someone’s grandfather, with a face so deeply creased it resembles a giant vagina? Unfortunately, nobody reads books anymore, the least of which a book which requires pondering for any length of time because it makes no fucking sense.

 

WELLLLLLLLLLLLL. I hope you’ve enjoyed this quiz and learned something about yourself! I’m going to re-read my blogs now and make tender whoopie to myself.